Shortly after a gun forced a man to shoot down GOP softball players as the sun woke up over Alexandria this morning, the media and certain politicians began to wonder, why did the gun do it? Before the gun’s patsy, who some callously call the “shooter” died, New York Times faux conservative David Frum suggested it was those terrible pro-gun laws in Virginia that caused the long gun to target GOP ball players in the Alexandria shooting.
Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe, a faux governor, also suggested that once again society had failed the gun by not controlling it. Indeed, in one of the only obviously true facts in this story, the Governor suggested that 93 million Americans were killed each day by guns. You can’t make that up, even in a satire piece.
People don’t kill people … guns kill people. The American media and the Virginia Governor want you to be clear on that fact.
What makes guns do it? Law enforcement too was baffled by the gun’s behavior. An FBI source reading from a leaked Comey Memo suggested that perhaps that the Russians were behind it, or that at a minimum the very strange behavior of Mr. Trump might be a factor in the gun’s actions. An FBI profiler, who refused to be identified, said that while the FBI has reams of data on people, it has not one scintilla of datum on why guns choose to kill.
Anti-gun crusaders are still mystified about how guns choose their shooters, and what they do to force shooters to collaborate with them. A local detective, speaking off the record, suggested that perhaps this gun chose its shooter, James Hodgkinson through profiling. The Detective noted, “you didn’t hear it from me, but we think the gun choose this guy because he was an old, white guy in his 60’s.” When pressed further he explained, “The gun obviously needed someone attracted to baseball.”
A local mental health enthusiast from the Arlandria dead zone between Arlington and Alexandria shared her a theory that law enforcement and the media are hunting down. Perhaps the gun was schizophrenic? Experts wondered why the gun would turn on its own. Why would a gun target a baseball field full of NRA supporters who fund, lobby for, and support both the Second Amendment and those who faithfully support guns?
Meanwhile, in conservative media, some are still suggesting that it was the shooter who was somehow responsible, while laughingly suggesting that the shooters hate for President Trump and the GOP played any role at all in the shooting. “These wing-nuts never stop pushing this “people kill people” crap, noted one CNN reporter as he furiously scribbled down DNC talking points.
Here is what we know so far. James Hodgkinson approached two Congressman and asked if the baseball players were republican or democrat. Congressman Duncan confirmed they were Republicans. Hodgkinson, then under the spell of a gun that forced him to fire, reload, and continue firing, began pointing at the ballplayers as the gun, mercilessly shot them.
The media has ruled out any connection between Hodgkinson’s threats and virulent hate for republicans on social media and the shooting. In fact, most media experts are convinced the gun picked Hodgkinson as a dupe, just for that reason, hoping to throw the scent of the motivation off itself to the shooter.
Hodgkinson was killed by another gun, which chose an American hero as an owner.
The GOP shooting gun, however, survived the altercation. It is under-going a psyche evaluation after being handled with kid gloves during an interrogation. So far, under both scientific study and interrogation, the gun refuses to make a statement or to tell local authorities why it chose the shooter, or why it chose its victim.
It’s a classic case of the long thin, cold, steel line of silence. Guns don’t rat on other guns.
If this gun cracks, we will be the first to report it. Meanwhile, tune in tomorrow to find out why the cars of drunk drivers decide to kill people.
Here’s a PSA from the sitting Virginia Governor – Please stay indoors tomorrow to avoid being one of the 93 million Americans killed by guns each day. He assures all Americans, this will all be over in 3.5 days.
Author: Richard Kelsey
Richard Kelsey is the Editor-in-Chief of Committed Conservative.
He is an Attorney, a former Assistant Law School Dean, Law Professor, and Virginia state court law clerk. Dean Kelsey was also the CEO of a technology company specializing in combating cyber-fraud. He is a regular commentator on legal and political issues in print, radio and on TV.
Rich graduated from George Mason law school, clerked for the Arlington Circuit Court, and later joined an AM LAW top 10 law firm practicing commercial litigation. He left the firm to be counsel and CEO to a consulting firm, rising to CEO of Turiss, LLC, a technology firm specializing in computer forensics, digital investigations, and fighting cyber-fraud through civil intel services and new technologies. Upon the sale of the company, Kelsey returned to Mason Law, where in the years before his return, he both taught at the school and served as President of the Law Alumni Association. Kelsey was the Assistant Dean for Management and Planning.
At Mason, Dean Kelsey taught legal writing and analysis and an advanced litigation seminar. In 2014 he was elected by the graduating class as the faculty speaker at their graduation. While serving the former George Mason Law, Kelsey conceived of, planned, and brought to fruition Mason’s Center for the Protection of Intellectual Property, known as CPIP.
Rich has appeared on radio, TV, and in print hundreds of times as both a legal expert and political and legal commentator. He provided the legal analysis for all stages of the Bob McDonnell trial and appeal for numerous outlets including NPR and WMAL. He writes on occasion for the American Spectator and CNSNews.com. He returned to private practice in September of 2016, and he is working on a book/expose on legal education.
In his free time, Rich is part of the baseball mafia of Northern Virginia, serving on numerous boards and as a little league and travel baseball coach.
Rich has many opinions, and they are his own. His Twitter handle is @richkelsey.