Mid-Atlantic Seaboard (REAL FAKE NEWS) – Washington Redskins Owner Dan Snyder today announced that the name of his team has been officially changed to the Social Justice Warriors.
“We’ve been approached repeatedly in recent years by the white millennials who speak for Native Americans insisting that the name ‘Redskins’ was racist,” said Snyder at a press conference today announcing the name change. “We had been foolishly focused on all of the American Indians who liked the name while ignoring the white millennials who obviously knew what was best for them.”
Snyder continued, “Once we decided to change the name, ‘Social Justice Warriors’ was the obvious choice to replace it. It says everything we want people to know about us: We recognize that the country of which our home city is the capital is fundamentally racist and that our primary mission is to combat white privilege.”
In another break with tradition, Snyder announced that the location of the team will not be part of the team’s new name.
“Washington was a slave owner, and Columbus killed and ate Native Americans,” said Snyder. “Our first priority is to get the name of the capital city changed to stop celebrating American tyranny and racism. Until that happens, we will generally refer to our city as the ‘Mid-Atlantic Seaboard,’ but this too will not be part of our team name because ‘Atlantic’ is also obviously racist. We just haven’t figured out how or why yet.”
The team is changing not only its name, but the way it does business. These changes include the following:
- Only white team members will play. The team says the days when black people did the bulk of the work are over. Black team members will sit on the sidelines and drink mint juleps.
- If the team ever has the lead, some of its points will be redistributed to the other team to make the game fair. At the end of the game, all players on both teams will be awarded participation trophies.
- FedEx Field will be renamed George Soros Park in honor of the man who is providing the funding for all of these new changes.
- The stadium will be equipped with facial recognition cameras to locate and identify any police officers who find their way into the crowd. Any officers discovered by the cameras will be displayed on the scoreboard along with their names and home addresses.
- The team uniform will come with extra-thick knee pads for kneeling during the National Anthem and other purposes.