(As obtained by the Real Fake News division of Committed Conservative)
TO: All campaign staff – FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY
FROM: Julie Chávez Rodríguez, Campaign Manager
To assist in planning for the remainder of the campaign, please note that President Biden will be afflicted with the following health conditions on the following dates:
July 17 – August 1: COVID-19 – President Biden will remain in quarantine until the roll call vote to make him the nominee for President scheduled for August 1. During that time, President Biden will be under quarantine, will make no public speeches, hold no press conferences, and hold no meetings with congressional leaders (to protect their health).
August 8-15: laryngitis – During the week before the Democratic National Convention, President Biden will have laryngitis and therefore will be unable to deliver any public speeches or press conferences.
September 5-12: common cold – Starting on September 5, President Biden will have a cold that will culminate on September 10, the date of the next and final presidential debate. The cold will cause severe congestion in his ears, requiring hearing aids that you should assure any inquiring reporters absolutely will not contain any radio receivers.
October 22 – broken hip – On October 22, two weeks before Election Day, President Biden will accidentally slip in a private area of the White House residence and break his hip, which will require him to leave the campaign trail and use surrogates to speak on his behalf at all campaign events in the closing days of the campaign.
Again, this information is disseminated for internal planning purposes only and is not to be shared with reporters or anyone outside of the campaign.
Author: Ken Falkenstein
Ken Falkenstein is the Managing Editor of Committed Conservative and brings a wealth of experience and expertise in public affairs to the job. Ken served in the U.S. Army in the last years of the Cold War as a Russian linguist for military intelligence and the NSA. After leaving the Army, he earned his degree in Secondary Education from Old Dominion University, where he also wrote a popular column in the student newspaper.
Upon graduation, Ken worked as a Legislative Aide to two Republican members of the Virginia House of Delegates. Ken also served as Corresponding Secretary of the Young Republican Federation of Virginia, managed several successful political campaigns, and managed governmental affairs operations for a local Realtor association.
In 1995, Ken moved to Washington, DC to serve as a Legislative Assistant to Sen. John Warner (R-VA). While working for Sen. Warner, Ken attended law school at night, earning his J.D. with honors from the George Mason University School of Law (n/k/a The Antonin Scalia Law School). Since that time, Ken has practiced as a civil litigation attorney, including serving for three years as an Associate City Attorney for the City of Virginia Beach, Virginia.
Ken previously was a contributor to the highly-regarded political blog Bearing Drift and was a weekly co-host of The Steve Batton Radio Program. In 2016, Ken ran unsuccessfully for the Virginia Beach School Board. Ken is also a former President of the Down Syndrome Association of Hampton Roads.
Ken now lives outside of Denver, Colorado with his wife, Kim, and three sons, Adam, Dylan, and Joshua, who has Down syndrome. Ken’s writing is motivated and informed primarily by his concern for his kids’ future.
