Home culture Facebook Goes Down; American Productivity Increases by 837%

Facebook Goes Down; American Productivity Increases by 837%

655
0
SHARE

MENLO PARK, CA (Real Fake News) – As Facebook and its affiliates, Instagram and Snapchat, suffered outages lasting throughout the day, October 4, 2021, quickly became the most productive day for American business in the past 15 years.

All across America, workers who were unable to check their Facebook and Instagram pages found themselves in the unusual position of working.

“I mean, I did keep checking to see if my page would load, but when it didn’t, I had nothing better to do than my job, so I went ahead and did it,” said Britney Van Landingham, a 23-year-old office assistant in Hoboken, New Jersey.

As the economy rebounded in a single day after nearly two years of pandemic-induced sluggishness, the Dow-Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed to a record 43,862.94 at the closing bell.

Even President Biden made a rare public appearance to claim credit for the economic rebound.

“I told you that cutting off domestic oil production, adding trillions of dollars to the money supply, opening the border to unlimited migration, and stabbing our allies around the world in the back would lead us to prosperity, and it did,” said Biden’s teleprompter.

When asked if it wasn’t really the Facebook outage that spurred the economy, Biden replied, “Bookface? What’s that?”

However, even as the Dow climbed throughout the day, there was a feeling of apprehension that at any moment Facebook might come back online, which everyone universally understood would lead to a crash of proportions not seen in over 90 years.

Further dampening the day, the suicide rate for Americans ages 18-29 increased to an unprecedented level as young Americans who had never learned how to interact with people in person no longer felt they had any reason to continue living.

The world now waits breathlessly to see if and when Facebook will once again rear its ugly head.

Author: Ken Falkenstein

Ken Falkenstein is the Managing Editor of Committed Conservative and brings a wealth of experience and expertise in public affairs to the job. Ken served in the U.S. Army in the last years of the Cold War as a Russian linguist for military intelligence and the NSA. After leaving the Army, he earned his degree in Secondary Education from Old Dominion University, where he also wrote a popular column in the student newspaper. Upon graduation, Ken worked as a Legislative Aide to two Republican members of the Virginia House of Delegates. Ken also served as Corresponding Secretary of the Young Republican Federation of Virginia, managed several successful political campaigns, and managed governmental affairs operations for a local Realtor association. In 1995, Ken moved to Washington, DC to serve as a Legislative Assistant to Sen. John Warner (R-VA). While working for Sen. Warner, Ken attended law school at night, earning his J.D. with honors from the George Mason University School of Law (n/k/a The Antonin Scalia Law School). Since that time, Ken has practiced as a civil litigation attorney, including serving for three years as an Associate City Attorney for the City of Virginia Beach, Virginia. Ken previously was a contributor to the highly-regarded political blog Bearing Drift and was a weekly co-host of The Steve Batton Radio Program. In 2016, Ken ran unsuccessfully for the Virginia Beach School Board. Ken is also a former President of the Down Syndrome Association of Hampton Roads. Ken now lives outside of Denver, Colorado with his wife, Kim, and three sons, Adam, Dylan, and Joshua, who has Down syndrome. Ken’s writing is motivated and informed primarily by his concern for his kids’ future.