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National Capital to Be Renamed “District of Indigenous Peoples”

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WASHINGTON (Real Fake News) – Today it was discovered that when the Affordable Care Act was passed in 2009, buried deep within it was a provision known only to the small handful of people who actually read the bill: Effective January 1, 2018, the name of our nation’s capital will be changed from the “District of Columbia” to the “District of Indigenous Peoples.”

The provision was quietly inserted by the Democrats who were then in charge of the House committee that oversees matters pertaining to Native Americans. It is not currently known whether then-Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) knew that this provision was in the bill prior to the bill being passed.

The District of Columbia was officially created as the national capital in 1801. The name “Columbia” was derived from explorer Christopher Columbus, the first European to invade the Americas.

Modern scholarship has determined that Columbus had an appalling lack of understanding of his white privilege, which led to his killing and enslaving large numbers of indigenous peoples who just wanted to be left in peace to perform their sacred human sacrifices.

“It is an outrage that our national capital, the seat of our federal government, is named after an anti-Native American Nazi,” said Norma Torres (D-CA), the current Ranking Democrat on the House Subcommittee on Indian, Insular and Alaska Native Affairs.  “Native Americans have had to face that humiliation for centuries, and it’s time that we stopped triggering them.”

When asked for comment, Floyd Azure, Tribal Chairman of the Fort Peck, Montana Assiniboine & Sioux Tribes said, “It’s damn well about time someone dealt with this issue. More than half of my people live in poverty, and as I’ve said for years, the best way to improve their lives is to change the names of anything honoring Christopher Columbus.”

When President Trump learned that a law was already on the books to change the name of the capital, he demonstrated his legendary leadership skills by boldly taking to Twitter: “Columbus was a great religious leader whose legacy must be protected. Congress must…” / “…act immediately and send me bill to keep his holy name on our capital! #DeportIndians #WhitePower #JustKiddingAboutThatLastOne”

The House of Representatives is expected to vote tomorrow on emergency legislation to keep the name “District of Columbia,” and the bill is expected to pass on a party-line vote. However, the bill faces an uphill battle in the Senate, where Republican Senators John McCain (AZ), Susan Collins (ME), and Rand Paul (KY) have announced their opposition because the bill was proposed by President Trump and would eliminate a provision of Obamacare, which they have sworn to protect.

Andrew Ginther, Mayor of the recently-renamed Indigenous Peoples, Ohio, could not be reached for comment.

Ken Falkenstein

Author: Ken Falkenstein

Ken Falkenstein is the Managing Editor of Committed Conservative and brings a wealth of experience and expertise in public affairs to the job. Ken served in the U.S. Army in the last years of the Cold War as a Russian linguist for military intelligence and the NSA. After leaving the Army, he earned his degree in Secondary Education from Old Dominion University, where he also wrote a popular column in the student newspaper.

Upon graduation, Ken worked as a Legislative Aide to two Republican members of the Virginia House of Delegates. Ken also served as Corresponding Secretary of the Young Republican Federation of Virginia, managed several successful political campaigns, and managed governmental affairs operations for a local Realtor association.

In 1995, Ken moved to Washington, DC to serve as a Legislative Assistant to Sen. John Warner (R-VA). While working for Sen. Warner, Ken attended law school at night, earning his J.D. with honors from the George Mason University School of Law (n/k/a The Antonin Scalia Law School). Since that time, Ken has practiced as a civil litigation attorney, including serving for three years as an Associate City Attorney for the City of Virginia Beach, Virginia.

Ken previously was a contributor to the highly-regarded political blog Bearing Drift and was a weekly co-host of The Steve Batton Radio Program. In 2016, Ken ran unsuccessfully for the Virginia Beach School Board. Ken is also a former President of the Down Syndrome Association of Hampton Roads.

Ken now lives outside of Denver, Colorado with his wife, Kim, and three sons, Adam, Dylan, and Joshua, who has Down syndrome. Ken’s writing is motivated and informed primarily by his concern for his kids’ future.

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